i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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