pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
