I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
