The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Ladies don't puke and tell
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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