Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
