Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
