i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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