if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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