I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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