I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
