I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
