btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize