she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize
