You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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