Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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