The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
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