There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
even my farts smell like vagina
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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