i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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