My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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