I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
