fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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