Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
