It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
