Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
