God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
