I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize