just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You need Xanax blowdarts
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
