doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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