I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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