She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
