Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
