I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
