Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
i think my cat just said my name.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
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