Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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