You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
