She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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