i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
