oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
