she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I don't deserve a penis
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
