I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
you inspire me to be a worse person
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
