Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
