we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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