We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
