I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
