So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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