Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
