She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
