I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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