I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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