My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
