That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
