If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
