Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
