This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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