I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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