wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
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