Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
